


fear of the water

by roseticos



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Fluff and Angst, Gen, a little bittersweet, but chan is here, felix isnt ok, felix? more like sadlix, yikes its sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-17 06:06:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16089617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roseticos/pseuds/roseticos
Summary: “i don’t want to t-think anymore, chan, i d-don’t.”felix is afraid of drowning in himself, and chan is the only one that can keep him afloat





	fear of the water

**Author's Note:**

> a bit of a trigger warning for anxiety; i put feelings into this even though it’s short, im warning y’all now

The streets were empty, silence hanging over the dark suburban neighborhood. Far into the night, the cicadas and crickets were quiet, leaving Felix alone with his all too loud thoughts. His stomach churned as he neared the familiar house, hands clenched and sweaty in the pockets of his weathered jean jacket. Stopping at the end of the driveway, he contemplated knocking on the front door. That’s what people did when they visited, right?

Something kept him from doing it, though. A paralyzing sense of anxiety rooted Felix in place, leaving him to stare at a random flower and wait for the neighbors to notice him and call the police for loitering in a supposed stranger’s yard at three in the morning. He hoped that would not happen.

Felix swallowed, turning away from the orange glow of the street lamp, ashamed at himself for showing up in the first place. After a whole year on his own, he only managed to need him now, at the worst possible moment. Breathing was difficult, _thinking_ was difficult. All Felix wanted was someone by his side to work through his insomnia, someone to distract him— if only briefly— from his voices. The boy was tired, and he didn’t want to hear them taunting him anymore.

He only wanted to hear _him_.

Seeing the yellow lamp illuminating his room, even at such a ghastly hour, seemed miraculous. If that soft glow had not been there, letting him know he was in the right spot, he might have given up by now. If it wasn’t for the hope that maybe he was awake too, then he would have been left to cope on his own, something that seemed beyond his capabilities at the moment.

Time passed, and Felix found himself repeating memories, drowning in the same emotions over and over again as he stood in his friend’s driveway completely and utterly alone. There had never been a strong enough dam to keep those thoughts at bay for long, and it was too late to build one now. Once the flood was unleashed, it seemed fruitless to try and stop it.

Twenty minutes later, he was sobbing as he stood in that driveway, completely overwhelmed. What was new? He had always been like that, hadn’t he? He was always too weak, too sensitive. Little Felix, all alone and depressed like he always seemed to be, unable to handle anything by himself. Even before he was left alone, he knew he would end up here, crawling back to someone else for help.

The front door to the house opened, but it was impossible for Felix to hear the noise over his thoughts. As far as he knew, no one was coming out of that house to save him. No one was going to help because he was supposed to be strong enough to help himself. Only, he wasn’t, and he needed this help no matter how much he tried to tell himself otherwise.

If there was anything Felix did hear, it was the pounding of feet against pavement as someone ran down the driveway, it was Chan calling his name.

Something collided into Felix just as his knees were ready to give out. Strong arms kept him standing, and he was being held tightly into someone’s broad chest. The feeling was old, but achingly intimate and nostalgic. He knew this feeling. He knew it all too well.

A thousand terrible feelings seized Felix at once, but this time he wasn’t alone. Chan’s familiar scent settled over him, a small comfort in a messy sea of feelings that refused to remain at bay, flooding into his lungs and continuing to suffocate him.

If breathing was laborious before, it was nearly impossible, now. Felix felt his chest heave as he tried to stay afloat, only to sink back under a wave of salty tears. The hands holding him only secured their grip, holding his head and rubbing gentle circles into his back.

“I’m here,” Chan muttered into Felix’s bleached locks, “I won’t leave you again, okay?”

Struggling, Felix clutched the other boy’s thin sleep shirt in fistfuls, burying his face into his front. It was hard to process that he was even real, that Chan still existed and was standing directly in front of him. He could hear his voice and feel his touch; the way he combed his fingers through his matted hair, whispering sweet nothings to calm him in some way.

“Please.” Felix finally gasped out, unsure of how much longer he could hold on to any part of himself. The current was becoming stronger, his hands ever more slippery. “Just talk to me… I want to be distracted. I don’t want to t-think anymore, Chan, I d-don’t.”

Chan brushed away Felix’s hair, exposing his watery eyes and the freckles that dotted the sun kissed skin of his face. Felix could see that he was holding back, swallowing thickly as he looked directly at him. It was so clear that he was trying to be the stronger one of the two, striving to be braver than he truly was.

“I’m not going to leave you behind.” he whispered, barely audible over the younger’s still shuddering sobs. “Always find me, yeah? I’m not going anywhere.”

Felix nodded quickly, focusing on the older in front of him, drinking in the circles under his eyes and the way his light brown hair jutted out in an unkempt bedhead. Just seeing his face— his tired, exhausted face— was enough to keep him going.

Chan took the pad of his thumb and wiped away the tear tracks staining his sun spotted cheeks. “You’re not weak, not to me or anyone else but yourself. It’s okay, it is. Sometimes people need to rely on someone else.”

Felix could not stop crying. He couldn’t contain the tidal waves of emotions that continued to wrack his weakened and drained body. When Chan pushed their foreheads together, looking him straight in the eyes, the younger was forced to look at him, as well.

The older continued, his voice sweet to Felix’s ears, despite it shaking with effort, “It’s okay to need someone. You don’t have to be so strong. You have me. Always have, always will.”

And maybe Chan pulled him from the water, or perhaps it was only low tide that saved Felix from drowning in himself. There was no telling if this would be the end, or if the waters would ever fully recede. He was able to cough up enough to survive. Who was to say he would be so lucky next time?

The only thing he knew was that when high tide came, he wouldn’t be alone to face the elements. Instead, he would have Chan to hold him back and tell him that the storm would be over soon. They would have each other to hold onto when the wind picked up and the surf became harsh and unrelenting. Chan was Felix’s life jacket, his rescuer.

_Felix let himself be pulled away from the night, a hand slipping into his as the two boys stumbled up the driveway and into the house._


End file.
